“Woke” Batman

I just read this New York Post article about Marvel introducing a gay Captain America. This is another example of our current “woke” society. It got me thinking about what a “woke” Batman story might look like.

Batman is and always has been my favorite superhero. He doesn’t really have super powers. He has an awesome car, an awesome suit, awesome fighting techniques, and a trove of awesome tools and gadgets.

My introduction to Batman was reading a comic book at the dentist as a young boy. I was intrigued with his background story and the villains. Then, I started watching the television series with Adam West, and I was hooked forever. I’ve seen every theatrical Batman movie, including Batman versus Superman unfortunately.

The “Caped” Crusader

Thanks to Joe Biden and the “woke” liberals, Batman can now compete with Wonder Woman and other female superheroes. It doesn’t matter that he has male chromosomes, because he identifies as a woman sometimes since he wears a cape. It gets a little weird when he goes into the women’s restroom with Batgirl, but he has every right to do that thanks to the Biden administration.

Then, Nancy Pelosi calls for an immediate vote in the House of Representatives to declare Batman a racist because he wears a black suit. Calls are made to cancel Batman immediately. Batman is ordered to pay reparations of one million dollars to every African American in the country. In a peaceful protest, “Black Lives Matter” and Antifa burn Batman comic books and throw them over the capitol fence into the Capitol building. They are labeled QAnon domestic “heroes” and Nancy builds a moat around Washington D.C.

Maskman

Dr. Fauci is upset about the name “Batman.” He doesn’t like that it includes the word “bat,” which implies that the Covid-19 pandemic’s source is a bat. He immediately demands that Batman’s name be changed to “Maskman.”

The liberals go bonkers about this new name because it contains the word “man.” So, they immediately demand that he change his name to “Maskperson.” Batman wants to be called the “Caped Crusader” instead. But, the “woke” mob’s heads explode. They say that “caped” is associated with weak women and that “crusader” is associated with dominant men. To appease the “woke” mob, Batman decides to change his name to “Nothingperson.”

Dr. Fauci realizes that Batman’s mask is open around his mouth. He warns Batman that he will be arrested if he goes out in public with his mask. The Biden administration sends Batman one million dollars to purchase N95 face masks.

Boy “Wonder”

Batman’s sidekick, Robin, wants to go back to college and get a Masters degree in criminal justice. But, he struggles with the question of his gender on page two of the college application. There are 64 different choices and he wonders what to choose. He decides to choose them all. The liberal left applauds Robin’s courage and uses his answer to make a 65th gender choice that includes all 64 types. The Biden administration awards each college one million dollars to change their admission applications.

Batgirl

Batgirl is 6 months pregnant and beginning to show. The Justice League immediately halts the protection of American citizens to re-engineer a new uniform for pregnant superheroes. While focusing on the new uniform, Gotham City is attacked by all of the Batman villains at one time. Unfortunately, Batman has been cancelled by the “woke” mob and Robin is struggling with his gender assignment. Looting and rioting ensue.

The mainstream media, big tech and Democrats in Congress call the rioting and looting by the Batman villains a mostly peaceful protest. Kamala Harris donates money to pay bail for arrested villains in Arkham Asylum and cackles as they go free and cause more damage.

Commissioner Gordon

Commissioner Gordon is in a pickle. The police force is at half capacity because they were defunded. He also recently ran for re-election, and allegedly lost the election. His opponent, Harvey Dent, overcame a deficit of 9 million votes from 1am to 3am on election night when the vote counting supposedly was stopped. Fox News called the election at 8pm because Dent was winning by 2 votes with 3% of the precincts in.

When Commissioner Gordon tweets that the election is unfair, Twitter disables his account forever. Harvey Dent tweets that he will kill Gordon, and his account is elevated to gold status. Then, Twitter disables the account of every Gordon supporter. Dent and his cronies search out Gordon followers and put them into Arkham Asylum so Dr. Hugo Strange can reprogram them into brainwashed socialists.

Conclusion

It’s sad that this satirical post rings true in today’s America. I hope you enjoyed it. Part two, the villains, will be coming soon.

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