Trump Raid Retaliation
The over-dramatic raid on President Trump’s Mar-a-Logo home in Florida last Monday by the FBI and DOJ enraged American patriots. I think it is finally time for some Trump raid retaliation. Here is the plan patriots.
Merrick Garland
First, we will tickle his feet until he laughs. If he doesn’t laugh, then we will make him listen to Jimmy Kimmel opening monologues for an hour. If he still doesn’t laugh (and he won’t), then we will make him watch “funny” Bette Midler movies. Knowing that won’t make him laugh, we will show him Biden and Harris gaffe videos. That will make him laugh for sure!
Christopher Wray
He needs to be taught a lesson. He will receive 100 lashes with an al dente noodle. If he doesn’t cry, then we will put his hand in a bowl of tepid water when he goes to sleep. If that doesn’t make him wet the bed, then we will put a paper bag full of poop on his front porch, light it on fire and ring his doorbell. Should he not stamp his foot on the paper bag to put the fire out, then we will call him and ask him if his refrigerator is running. When he says “yes,” then we will tell him to send a trove of FBI agents to catch it.
Joe Biden
We must get him to admit he is in on the Trump raid. So, we will remove all ice cream across the world. If he doesn’t break, then we will hide all young girls with hair that smells nice. If he doesn’t break, then we will make him repeat tongue twisters over and over until he gets one right (and he won’t). Assuming he still doesn’t break, then we will blindfold him, turn him around three times and point him in the direction of FBI headquarters. When he puts his donkey tale on Sandy Cortez’s butt and she slaps him, he’ll admit it.
Next Steps
Here are the next steps in our plan patriots.
- Curl a pipe cleaner into a pig tail and hook it to the back of Liz Cheney’s dress so that every time she turns around, everybody laughs. Oh yeah. Everybody already laughs at her already.
- Unscrew the cap of the salt shaker in Jerry Nadler’s office so all of the salt spills out when he uses it.
- Put a whoopie cushion on Eric Swalwell’s chair in the House of Representatives so that people think he farts every time he sits down. Oh yeah. He does actually fart.
- Put fake chattering teeth outside of Nancy Pelosi’s office so she chases after them thinking her false teeth fell out.
- Send itching powder to the FBI so they can scratch the stench off themselves.
