Top Ten Secret Government Projects
Actually, it is no secret that our government is running secret projects. I’m fairly convinced that the mysterious drones are a secret project of our government. And, I’m fairly certain that our government has worked on projects with UFOs. I’m sure there are more. So, here are my top ten secret government projects.
Cards
The government is busy building a house of cards. The goal is to get to twenty feet high. The cost of the project is ten million dollars. Unfortunately, Ebenezer Ace thinks it is funny to keep pulling a card out of the bottom. So, they have to keep starting over. One team member brought in a fan. That didn’t go over well.
Legos
One secret department is building a twenty five foot high statue of Satan out of legos. The project cost is fifty million dollars. But, the team is experiencing overruns because legos are going missing. They tried blaming it on team member Red Mann, but he rebuffed their accusations. Could it be Saint Michael or God? Just saying.
Basketball
In a very secret remote location, a very special project is underway. The project is to see how long a person can spin a basketball on their finger. Unfortunately, all of the participants are white geeks. At this point, the record stands at three seconds. But, the participants have bruises all over their bodies from being hit by the falling balls. The likelihood of success for this project is zero percent. And, this one could use a little DEI.
Juggling
One secret department is conducting experiments for juggling. It’s not juggling like a circus act. It’s juggling more than one task at a time. In many businesses, this is called multi-tasking. The hypothesis is that a government worker is unable to juggle more than one task at a time. I hear the hypothesis is being proven in one hundred percent of the cases. Unfortunately, the fallout is that they are learning government workers are unable to focus on even one task.
Pencils
Another secret government project is to find out how long a person can balance a pencil on their nose. At the cost of one million dollars, there has been limited success. Studying the curvature of the noses of participants, they have learned that a flat nose is best. So, Kendra Appendage has been the most successful participant to date. Her pig nose has helped her to balance a pencil for over one minute. But, her pig tail makes it hard to sit down for the experiment.
Indian Burn
The Department of Defense has people holed up in an airplane hangar. They are studying the effectiveness of using the Indian burn in war. They brought in a bunch of ten year old kids to show soldiers the best way to apply an Indian burn. Soldiers are coming out of the hangar with beet red arms. One soldier even had a beet red face. I’m not sure why that happened. All in all, they believe they have an edge against our adversaries. Even General Milley backs this. But, he finds it offensive to call it an “Indian” burn. His preference is to call it the “Commander” burn.
Diaper
This is one of the most important projects in flight. A team of experts is working on a presidential diaper to overcome a president having an accident at an international function. The new diaper must not be noticeable and must be able to automatically disintegrate any presidential output. They have been doing trials on Biden, but they don’t seem to be there yet.
Marbles
Yet another special presidential project. In a remote room of the White House, a team of scientists is measuring the number of marbles you can put in someone’s mouth before they can’t talk anymore. Using Biden as their subject, they have learned that it only takes one marble for him to butcher a word or phrase. In one experiment, Biden swallowed the marble. He said it tasted good, and asked for another piece of hard candy.
Play Doh
A secret government project is underway to see if they can make a play doh statue of Hillary Clinton using only their feet (no hands). They are also blindfolded. To my surprise, all of the project participants were successful. They learned that a blob of play doh looks just like Hillary.
Nursing
The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) has been conducting an experiment on nursing babies. In order to prove that men can nurse a baby, they are using hungry babies to nurse on other items. To date, they have tried apples, walls and a poster of a woman. No luck though. The babies are just getting angry and crying. One baby named Adam Kinzinger cried before he even tried to nurse.
