Top Ten Catholic Synod Changes
In the month of October, the Catholic church held a Synod on Synodality. It is Pope Francis’ initiative for the Catholic Church to collaboratively chart its path in the modern era, emphasizing listening, discernment and mission. Now that it is over, here are my top ten Catholic Synod changes.
Phones
Phones will now be permitted in church and do not need to be turned off. In the post-coronavirus environment, it is now encouraged to text the sign of peace. In the spirit of Vatican II, playing games during mass is perfectly acceptable as long as you include the priest. Calling the pope to voice your displeasure is discouraged, unless you happen to notice an environmental crisis.
Front and Center
The first 12 pews will be removed from all churches since nobody ever sits in them. That space will be turned into an indoor playground with swings, monkey bars and slides. All parishioners young and old can have some fun during mass.
Pets
Pets are now welcome to come to mass. We need to be inclusive. In fact, you can even get your pets baptized. It is encouraged to get your pets to confession. Forgive me father for I have sinned. I bit eleven people in the White House.
Coconut
The host will now be available in multiple flavors. You can get coconut, lime, vanilla and more.
Costumes
The priests can now wear costumes to celebrate special occasions. Uncle Sam for Independence Day. A ghost for Halloween. Santa Clause for Christmas. A turkey for Thanksgiving. And, a bunny for Easter.
Spirit
In the spirit of inclusivity, those parishioners who only come on Christmas and Easter will be given their first choice of seats over every week parishioners. They also get first choice of the flavored hosts.
Praying
Praying at church is prohibited because it is too religious and divisive. Everybody might not know how to pray.
FBI
FBI agents are welcome at all masses. But, they are not permitted to break the door down to get in.
Lockdown
Pastors can lock down the church anytime they want with no notice. They can lock the church if there is a storm or if they will miss breakfast. Most importantly, they can lock down the church if a catastrophic environmental calamity occurs.
Cash
All churches will go cashless. When they come with the baskets to collect money, they will bring a credit card swipe device for payments. It will add about 20 minutes to the mass, but it will be worth it.
Conclusion
I know these are goofy, but they aren’t far off of the changes discussed at the Synod on Synodality. Pope Francis is making the Catholic Church a laughingstock. I hope he doesn’t read this because I might give him some more crazy ideas.
