The 81 Million Vote Man
Joe Biden. Former vice president. Barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first illegitimate President. Joe Biden will be that man. Weirder. Weaker. Slower. He will be the 81 Million Vote Man.
The above is an adaption of the cold open for the hit television series “The Six Million Dollar Man.” The premise was that after a NASA test flight accident, an astronaut was clinging to his life. Then, the doctors rebuilt him with superhuman powers due to bionic implants, and he is employed as a government secret agent.
The Old Joe
The old Joe was somewhat lively and an SOB. He was in public office for 47 years, and his only things to show for it was the controversial 1994 crime bill and presiding over the Anita Hill Senate confirmation trial of Supreme Court judge, Clarence Thomas. The 1994 crime law resulted in mass incarcerations in the 1990s, especially black and brown people. And, the Anita Hill trial was one of the first major Democrat witch hunts.
The old Joe has a history of racist comments, including:
- You can’t go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.
- Obama is “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean.”
- Unchain Wall Street! They’re gonna put y’all back in chains.
- We’ve got to recognize that the kid wearing a hoodie may very well be the next poet laureate and not a gangbanger.
More of The Old Joe
The old Joe used his son, Hunter, to broker deals for money with foreign countries like Ukraine, China and Russia. The “big guy” used his position as Vice President as leverage for those deals. This somewhat lively version of Joe once bragged that he would halt aid to Ukraine if they didn’t fire a prosecutor investigating his son, Hunter.
The old Joe touched little girls inappropriately. He smelled their hair. Old Joe made inappropriate comments to little girls. He told stories about how people liked to touch his blond, hairy legs.
Weirder
After the rebuild of Joe, we saw the new version during the 2020 Presidential campaign and into his presidency. He had hair and a facelift. But, he had the mental capacity of a five-year old. Joe couldn’t string together two cohesive sentences. And, he got really angry when he was challenged or didn’t understand something.
He was weirder. Joe said stupid incoherent things, like calling a person a “lying dog faced pony soldier.” Or saying, “if you don’t vote for me, then you ain’t black.” He even called Super Tuesday, Super Thursday. When a man confronted him about an issue, he got in the man’s face and challenged him to a push up contest.
Weaker
He was weaker. During the campaign, Joe pretty much stayed in his basement in Delaware. If he did go out, it was a short appearance before going right back to his basement. He limited his media exposure. And, he slept often. He was known to take a nap in the afternoon, and then be in bed by 9pm every day.
Slower
He was slower. When Joe spoke, you had to pay close attention because he confused his words and jumbled them together. He always spoke from a teleprompter and had an ear piece, but he couldn’t read the words and listen to the words fast enough. Joe couldn’t take questions from the media because he had no teleprompter and he wasn’t able to think on his feet.
Election Day
After running his campaign weirder, weaker and slower, it was time for people to vote. Joe had run a campaign of hiding, avoiding the press and attacking people. At most, he spoke to thirty cars of people on his campaign stops.
It looked like President Trump would be re-elected as he was leading in almost all of the swing states. Then, vote counting stopped around midnight in all of the Democrat-governed swing states.
The 81 Million Vote Man went to work. He could use his new superhuman powers to add to his vote totals in the swing states. So, he photocopied ballots and delivered them to states at lightning speed. He submitted ballots for deceased people. He re-ran ballots for him through the machines faster than any human could. And, he made thumb drives of votes for himself and loaded them into the Dominion and Smartmatic machine databases.
Day After Election
When everybody woke up the day after the election, Joe was winning in every swing state. Graphs showed a spike of votes for Joe between midnight and 3am the day after. Trump voters were bewildered. They had no idea about Joe’s new superhuman powers, and what he was capable of doing.
The final tally for the election had Joe at 81 million votes. That’s the most ever in any presidential election. It’s totally unrealistic based on his campaign and his inability to attract people to his campaign stops. But, the 81 Million Vote Man had done it!
Post-Election
The 81 Million Vote Man continued to use his new superpowers of weirder, weaker and slower as he embarked on the presidency. He told an old Reagan joke while giving the Coast Guard commencement address, but bungled the delivery resulting in minimal laughter. Then, he told the class they were dull. He fell three times going up the stairs to Air Force One.
Joe mangled his days, his numbers and his facts. He went off script and forgot what he was saying. The 81 Million Vote Man gave a Memorial Day address to a whopping 560 viewers. For those of you keeping track, that’s 0.0007 percent of his 81 million voters.
Joe told a young girl that he liked her barrettes, and that she looked 19 years old sitting there with her legs crossed. He offered little girls ice cream. But, he kept saying and doing the things he had been programmed to say and do. And, he didn’t save the country like the Six Million Dollar Man always did on television. The 81 Million Vote Man destroyed the country.
That’s what the Democrats, leftists, Marxists, mainstream media, big tech, Antifa, Black Lives Matter and our public education system want Joe to do. And, he does what they tell him because they helped him become the President.
