Ten Apple iOS Updates I Want To See
If you don’t know, Apple recently released an “important” iOS update to fix two security holes being used to attack iPhones. There were a lot of notifications warning iPhone users to immediately load this update. I even received a notice at work. My question is, how do we know these updates aren’t loading spyware and opening security holes for the government to spy on us even further? That’s for another post. So, here are ten Apple iOS updates I want to see.
1 – Joey
Instead of Siri, I want Joey (Biden). Joey jumbles his words together to make up new words. Sometimes Joey whispers and sometimes Joey gets angry and lashes out. When I ask Joey to find a conservative website, he calls me a domestic terrorist or a semi-fascist. Then, when I ask to find information about ivermectin, Joey yells at me and says he is losing his patience with me because I’m not vaccinated. Any time I ask for information about President Trump, Joey says “Come on, man.”
You have to be really careful though. When you hold your phone to your ear on a phone call, Joey has been known to sniff your hair.
2 – Garland Blocker
I want a setting so that I can block the DOJ and FBI from accessing my phone or knowing where it is. The setting should allow me to send a message to the hacker. So, when Merrick Garland tries to access my phone, he is blocked and I can send the message “Sorry. You can’t access my important presidential documents right now. Please go release the political prisoners you have jailed.”
When Christopher Wray tries to access my phone, he is blocked and I can send the message “Sorry. You can’t bash down my door right now. Please arrest Hunter Biden.”
3 – Trump Widget
This can’t be turned off. While you use your phone, a President Trump image pops up and says different things. Then it disappears. For example, when I go to my text messages, a little cartoon image of President Trump appears and says “Make America great again.” Then the image disappears. If you browse for “bad senator,” Trump says “Are you looking for the old goat?”
Please note that Joey is automatically turned off when the Trump image appears.
4 – Weather
I want controls added to the weather app so that I can control the weather. Then in December when it’s 32 degrees, I can adjust it up to 90 degrees. Likewise, if it’s raining, I can make it stop. And, vice-versa. As a bonus, I can stop a snowstorm so it doesn’t affect my ability to get somewhere. Of course, the Trump widget will appear and say “What about global warming? Hahaha.”
5 – Answering Tool
I want a phone call answering tool that forwards all spam calls to Liz Cheney’s phone with an automatic voice message saying “Hi Liz. This is a January 6th rioter. I want to testify for you as soon as possible. Please call me back at 1-800-YOU-SUCK.” Joey doesn’t like this, so he says “Stopuvnieghasdon.”
6 – Censor Blocker
The censor blocker is exactly as it says. You can post to any site, even if you’re blocked. And, you can view content that is censored or blocked. This unique tool overrides blocking and can recover removed content. So, when Bette Midler writes some idiotic, profanity-laced tweet and then deletes it because she realizes that she probably shouldn’t have done that, we can still see her deleted tweet and berate her appropriately.
The Trump widget pops up on this and says, “Come to Truth Social. Hahaha.”
7 – Fake News Truth Widget
The fake news truth widget adjusts all fake news to be the truth. So, when you watch a video of MSNBC saying “We are not in a recession.” It comes out as “We are in a horrible recession.” And, when you are reading an article that says “President Trump is responsible for the vaccine deaths”, Joey says “That’s not true. I killed all of those people.” What a great new feature.
8 – Teacher Trainer
The teacher trainer sends an electric shock through the phone of a teacher who exposes her students to anything inappropriate. That includes gender bending, critical race theory, homosexuality and drag queen shows. The shock increases in magnitude with every infraction. The Trump widget pops up with each shock and says “Do you miss me yet?”
9 – RINO Finder
The RINO finder causes your phone to beep like an amber alert when you are within 100 feet of a RINO. The phone automatically goes into find mode and guides you directly to the RINO. When the phone realizes you are within 5 feet of the RINO, Joey cries, “RINO alert! RINO alert! Why am I saying this? Piortwesncty!”
10 – 2024 Game
In the 2024 game, a little Trump icon has to avoid all of the evil icons to run for president in 2024. The evil icons (Liz Cheney, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, Christopher Wray, Merrick Garland, etc.) charge at Trump telling lies about him, trying to arrest him, accusing him of false things, and more. If the Trump icon can deflect all of the attempts to stop him, he runs for president in 2024 and wins in a landslide.
Please note that this game can take a very long time and may not be suitable for Democrats.
