Living in the New America
Sam Barnaby was elated as he got off the plane in Washington D.C. He recently won a seat in the House of Representatives for his home state of Pennsylvania, and he was ready to start making good on his campaign promises. Sam was a smart man who was a home contractor for his entire life. Like President Trump, who endorsed him, he knew business and how to build things. He was excited to use that experience to help his fellow Americans. But, he has no idea that he is living in the new America.
Day One
When Sam got to the Capital Building, he immediately noticed that the Democrat members of the House ignored him. He walked by them and said hello, but they would keep walking past him with no response.
When they had their first session that day, Sam sat next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley. He felt uncomfortable by their angry glares but tried to ignore them. Then, Ocasio-Cortez told him he needed to go and sit with his QAnon, capital rioter, racist Republican friends. Sam thought to himself “is this high school?” And, he went to sit with the Republicans.
Day Two
Sam got to introduce himself on the House floor. He talked about his experience, his family and how he came to Washington D.C. to deliver on his campaign promises. When he said the word “she” referring to his wife, he was swiftly taken to task by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. She told him that the word “she” was off limits in the House chamber because it has a negative connotation toward women.
Sam had lunch with Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and Madison Cawthorn. When he stood up to reach for the ketchup, Maxine Waters pulled his chair out from under him. He fell on the brick floor. Maxine pulled him up by the hair and told him he isn’t welcome because he is associated with Trump. She continued to say that she and her minions will do everything to make sure he isn’t comfortable wherever he goes. Sam thought to himself “is she crazy?”
Day Three
Surprisingly, Sam was approached by Adam Schiff in the morning. Schiff told him he had credible evidence that Sam was helped by Russia to win his election. Sam denied this, but Schiff insisted that he was a Putin puppet. Schiff asked him “Вы лживый русский шпион?” This means “Are you a lying Russian spy?” Sam asked, “What the heck are you saying?” And, Schiff replied, “Я уничтожу тебя, ублюдок, любящий Россию,” which means “I will take you down you Russia loving bastard.”
A little later in the day, Sam was told that told that a vote would be held to remove him from his committees because of his ties to Russia. It was a little strange because he wasn’t assigned to any committees yet. At the hearing, Schiff told the floor that he spoke to Sam in Russian and that he could tell Sam understood him. Sam mentioned that Eric Swallwell was comprised by a Chinese spy, and nothing ever happened to him. Swallwell stood up and said “管他呢 她不是俄罗斯人,” which means “Who cares? She wasn’t a Russian.”
The vote was along party lines, and Sam was removed from the committees he wasn’t on yet.
Day Four
Jerry Nadler caught up to Sam in the hall and body checked him. Nadler said that he was going to hold a vote later that day to impeach President Trump for a third time, and he hoped to get his vote. Sam mentioned that President Trump wasn’t in office anymore, and asked what he did. Nadler said that President Trump said a bad word. Sam asked, “What bad word?” And, Nadler said, “You know, the N word.” Sam said, “Oh. That is bad. When did he say it and to whom?” Nadler said, “Yesterday at a speech to the NAACP. You can’t say “nation” anymore. It’s racist.”
The Recruits
Sam was a veteran of the Army, and a little later that day he was meeting with some Army recruits in his office. Amongst all of the craziness of his first few days, he was really looking forward to it. There were three recruits, Moe, Larry and Curley.
Moe started out by saying that he is joining the Army because of their recent commercial. Sometimes he is gay, sometimes he’s a woman, his parents are both gay men, and he has severe mental issues. But, because of the commercial, he just knew the Army is for him. He went on to say how difficult it is to be born from a man.
Larry also cited the recent commercial. He said that he was made fun of his entire life because he dressed like a woman. He also said that he throws like a girl. And, he thinks it will be good to go to war because it’s wrong to hit a woman like him, so he’ll be protected. Finally, he said he looks forward to being around a lot of men because he might find Mr. Right.
Curley was a girl. She told Sam that her parents were men who transitioned to women and became lesbians. She went on to say that her parents were in the process of transitioning back to men to be gay. Then, she said she is proud of them for being who they really are.
Day Five
The week was coming to an end for Sam, and he was very happy about that. Liz Cheney stopped in his office in the morning. She said she was starting a new committee named “The He Man Trump Haters.” And, she wanted to know if Sam would be on the committee. Sam asked her why it was called “He Man” when she was a woman. First, she said, both of those terms will drive Nancy Pelosi nuts. Second, have you seen me? A lot of people think I’m a man anyways.
Meeting With Nancy
Sam had a meeting with Nancy Pelosi in the afternoon. She welcomed him to the House, and told him that she plans to build a security wall around his office with guards. Pelosi said this was the only way she can protect other members from a QAnon-loving racists like him. Sam asked how he will get out of his office. Do I say “open sesame?” Nancy giggled and said, “We don’t say open sesame. We say open Biden.”
Nancy went on to say that Joe Biden does whatever we tell him to do. She said, “We run this government. Not Joe Biden, and not you.” Every so often, we wake up Joe, give him a card of what we want him to say, and let him speak in front of people. But, the doofus never gets it right. Pretty soon, he’ll be gone anyways.
Nancy asked Sam for his resume, and he gave it to her. She perused it for a few minutes, then tore it up. She said, “This is nothing but a bunch of lies you Walmart-loving, gun-toting conservative. In fact, I think I saw you at the Capital siege on January 6th. Weren’t you the one wearing the Harley Quinn outfit?” Sam said, “No. I wasn’t there.” She said that he should check Twitter because his picture is on the FBI most wanted list.
Day Six
Sam is back in his home state to deliver an address to his constituents. In his speech, he says the word “election,” referring to his election to the House.
Twitter and Facebook immediately lock his accounts. His donors halt donations. The NBA paints “Death to Sam” on their basketball courts. Major League baseball moves it’s All Star game to Wuhan, China. Sam is placed on a no fly list. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez adds him to her list of enemies. Liz Cheney starts a war with Samoa because it starts with “sam.” Sam’s book deal with Dr. Seuss is cancelled, and they change all references to “Sam” with “Pam.” As in “Pam I am.”
Joe Biden signs an executive order to destroy the Sam Austin statue in Texas. The Department of Justice and the FBI storm Sam’s home to take his salmon because it starts with “sam.” Boy, are they dumb. Nancy Pelosi brands a scarlet letter “C” on his chest for “cancelled.” And, Andrew Cuomo sends every New Yorker with covid-19 named “Sam” to nursing homes so he can blame the deaths on Sam.
Dominion Voting Systems logs into the Pennsylvania voting machines and changes all of Sam’s votes to Joe Biden. Whoops! Adam Schiff goes on the Don Lemon show on CNN and says that Sam is a Russian asset that must be destroyed immediately. And, Jerry Nadler wakes up and has no idea what’s going on.
Day Seven
Sam resigns from the House of Representatives. Nancy Pelosi acts surprised and tells him that she prays for him. She also says that she prays for abortion because it controls the population and saves the planet. And, she prays that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris die so that she can run the country. Finally, she says she prays that her denture adhesive cream continues to work so she doesn’t sound like a complete buffoon when she talks.
She tells Sam that she and her Democrat colleagues are sorry to see him go. The, she asks him what he will do. Sam calmly replies, “I’m going to join the circus. It’s much more sane.”
Note: this a fictional short story.
