And the Award Goes To
The politically motivated House Commission for January 6th just started, and it started with a whimper (literally). It reminds me of a bad movie with a horrible cast. Let’s look at the early favorites for the 2022 Academy Awards. And the award goes to.
Best Director
Nancy Pelosi wins again. This time it is for “I Can’t Quit You President Trump.” She is the Steven Spielberg of political theater. Her past winners include “Impeachment Day,” “Impeachment Day 2,” “QAnon is Dead” and “Do as I Say, Not What I Do.” One of the biggest knocks on Pelosi is her casting. She seems to have a thing for Adam Schiff, despite his nauseating performances.
Pelosi beat out Kamala Harris for “I Got the Border Under Control,” Jen Psaki’s “There’s a Circle on My Back,” President Biden’s “Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldier” and Ilhan Omar’s “Some People Did Something.”
Best Supporting Birthing Person
Liz Cheney wins again. This time it is for “I Can’t Quit You President Trump.” She perfectly plays a bitter, angry politician who turns her back on her party for a personal vendetta. She is so believable in this role that her lies could almost be real.
In a twist of fate, the Speaker of the House decides to adopt her. But, then she remembers that Cheney is really a domestic terrorist. So, the Speaker throws her in solitary confinement as a political prisoner. Cheney is tortured and beaten until she cries out “I want to be a Democrat.” Unfortunately, the Speaker doesn’t believe this lie, and Cheney is never seen again.
Cheney beat out some tough competition including herself in “Want More War,” herself in “Daddy Shot a Man,” herself in “Censor Me Again You Pigs” and herself in “I Identify as a Man.”
Best Supporting Actor
Adam Kinzinger wins in a landslide for “I Can’t Quit You President Trump.” His tearful speech during the January 6th hearing will be remembered as a cornerstone moment for him. It is right up there with Elliot crying when ET goes home. Great acting is when you can go from laughing to crying in ten seconds. He’s a master.
The backstory is that Kinzinger decided to be a traitor to his own party when the Speaker of the House invite him to be on her committee. After bursting into tears for being asked for such an honor, the Speaker calls him a baby and tells him to man up. But, he just can’t stop crying.
Kinzinger beat out Mitch McConnell in “Killing My Party,” himself in “Benedict Arnold,” Brad Raffensperger in “How to Rig an Election” and Jim Crow in “Stop Using My Name.”
Best Birthing Person
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wins for “I Can’t Quit You President Trump.” In a performance for the ages, she goes into counseling as a result of the events of January 6th. She likens the riot to being raped. And, she is in fear for her life.
In a major plot twist, it is learned that she wasn’t in the Capitol building on January 6th. But, she ignores the finding and stays the course as a fearful victim. Her ability to ignore the truth and continue playing the victim is almost real.
Ocasio-Cortez beat out Hillary Clinton in “Fake Dossier,” Rashida Tlaib in “Impeach the Mother-F*****,” Gretchen Whitmer in “Kidnap Me Please” and Maxine Waters in “Stir the Pot.”
Best Actor
Adam Schiff wins in a landslide for “I Can’t Quit You President Trump.” Schiff is up there with great actors like Tom Hanks and Robert DeNiro. He’s won this award several times for roles in “Oops! I Told a Lie,” “Crap! I Told Another Lie” and “Darn! I Lied Again.”
Schiff’s tearful re-telling (What’s with the Adam’s crying?) of how the events of January 6th affected him personally during the testimony will not soon be forgotten. His ability to lie and cry at the same time distinguishes him as an actor. But, his ability to put people to sleep when he talks is something that not many actors can duplicate.
Schiff beat out General Mark Milley for “White Rage,” Dr. Fauci for “Gain of Function,” himself for “Russia Hoax” and Adam Kinzinger for “Ratman.”
Best Picture
“I Can’t Quit You, President Trump” wins in a landslide. It’s the story of a non-partisan, politically motivated committee to investigate the events of January 6th. The kangaroo court rejects committee members who might ask hard questions and carefully chooses witnesses to support their desired outcome.
The result is a hilarious investigation of clown after clown that will keep you laughing. Originally slated as a serious movie, Pelosi does a tremendous job of turning serious into comedy.
This movie beat out “Peaceful Protest,” “Vax or Mask,” “Critical Race Theory,” “That’s Not Inflation” and “Who’s in Charge?”
